A hole on the tricolour flag

Flag. It is one of the symbols of a country as the national anthem. In our history (just like in others) it happened a couple times the flag was changed. But from all of them the most unacceptable was the "Soviet" flag. Our "leader" decided by himself (not even by an order from Moscow) back in those years.  The worst thing what can happen to deny the identity of your own nation. Orders, threats, political views, brain washed, we all know. For example Poland also removed its eagle.

People had enough. Interestingly, everything - regarding the Hungarian Revolution of 1956 - started at the Budapest University of Economics. People went to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and cut out the coat of arms which had nothing to do with our culture at all. People demanded to get back the original coat of arms, and the fight started. Of course the political leadership was not a big fan of this movement. 

In a nutshell, on the 4th of November Soviet troops arrived to Hungary and deafened ours. 

This was a bloody revolution. It started on the 23 October (national Bank Holiday in Hungary), it lasted only for a couple of days but at least something happened. What kind of leadership is that when people are starving? What kind of leadership is that who has Secret Police? What kind of leadership is that who forces people to hide their properties which they worked for? What kind of leadership is that who bugs people's houses? What kind of leadership is that who threatens its own citizens no matter who they are? What kind of?

If the answers are negative for all of these questions, we agree on something. 

There is a movie now in the cinema, Mr. Jones. It shows the beginnings of this period exactly. That fake "PR" and bullshit what they told to people is disgusting. Some people in certain positions were well paid, great. Meanwhile in the other "soviet" countries (especially in the villages) people were starving. People were cold. How is that normal to eat you own brother's brain who freezed to death? How is that normal those people who were friends before or respected each other on a daily basis kill each other for a piece of bread? NOHOW. Everywhere this fantastic sugarcoated donut was advertised how good it is. No it was not good. Not at all. 

A lot of people were killed during this short Revolution: children, women by tanks, guns, etc. Unfortunately it didn't succeed, but if someone is always quiet and nothing happens, literally nothing won't. Sometimes we need to read between the lines. This is our story for the hole on the flag. 

It was changed back, as red symbolizes strength, white is for fidelity while green represents hope. Hope. This is what we need to always have. Hope. Never lose it. 

Autumn

Early morning. The coffee machine beeps, the coffee smell penetrates the whole flat. Coffee is ready to drink. We open the balcony door and the first touch of the winter just pinches our cheek. It is much colder than before. We just look around and we see new things which we didn't see before. All the trees lost their leaves, so we can see everything what was hidden for me before. We look around, the ground, it is covered by leaves everywhere. Different shades of yellow, brown and red. Many people identify autumn to passing. 

Autumn is very debatable what it is exactly. My point of view says it is a new beginning. After a very productive year, nature needs to rest and get ready for the next year's adventure. It is the recharging period when it just needs to store the energies for good. 

This is the same with us. We also need some rest occasionally. Especially when we don't listen to our inner voice. When we just give and give and give and help to everyone. This is normal.Why? Because if we have empathy this is what happens. After a while we all need to take a breathe and just relax. Just relax, feel the smell of autumn. Feel the smell of rest. Feel the smell of energy. Feel the smell of vibes. 

Autumn has million shades of gold. Just like our soul. All the colours have different meaning, look: happiness, sadness, smaller things, more significant things, disappointment, hope, moving on, farewell, the list is endless.

When we get tired, just listen. Listen to our voice when it wants to give us something. Just relax, drink the coffee, and feel the smell of recharge. Just relax. 

I arrived

I arrived. I arrived to that level of my life where I don't need drama anymore.  I might had a long way to get here, I might left myself to hurt for so many people. I might have built a very high and thick wall around myself and my heart which looks invincible.
This was a long way to be honest to get here. I learn by my own mistakes. Well, I graduated that's 100%. When I made mistakes, I have felt the good still in people. I was there always to help and stand next to everyone. Why? I am just like this. I would not call it naive. Never. Simply I always help and I am there for all whoever needs. What did make like this? When I moved abroad I never forget one sentence from someone: "always help everyone whenever you can, you never know when you will need also". I lived accordingly, unfortunately many people took advantage on this.
I will still keep this but much more carefully and won't expect anything at all. When you do, you will just fall on your face. Today or since a while I am on a certain level where I don't need drama anymore. I don't need tears in my eyes, stubbed knives in my back, excuses in messages, lies to my face. These things made me to build my wall so high and thick. It does not mean if someone would like to come closer to me I do no let anyone or do not give a chance. No. I will, just takes a little bit longer. It is not being double faced. Careful and self respect. All the wounds heal and disappear by the time, and the only thing what I feel right now is just complete. Complete no matter what happens. No matter how hard this way was. I arrived. I am there.

Let it go

Let it go. Let it free. Let it flow. We all have been experienced when we just had to let something away. Things sometimes don't turn out how we want to - simply because they don't belong to us.

We all have questions in this case why? Why not? Our soul and heart are heavy and full with doubts. We wake up and go to bed with hope. We always hope things will change. We feel like an angel who lost her wings. A fallen angel. We feel like we have been hurt so much and we will never heal. Our wings were torn off from the roots. The most painful thing what actually can happen. We feel like we just want to cry from the pain all day. We feel this is the biggest storm what can sorround us. This painful storm is always on our way. Guess what? Yes it is. Till we will realize this just take us through to the good. It takes time till we walk across this storm, we all need time. The walking itself is: letting go. Let go those things which: don't serve you, don't make you smile, don't make us feel free, don't let you to fly, don't build you, don't move mountains with us, don't make us feel special, don't make us feel worthy. Let it go. Just let it go.

When it happens, we feel freedom. All the handcuffs are gone, our broken angel scars are healing and the wings start to grow back. We feel endless happiness. We feel special. We feel gratefulness. We feel joy.  We feel easy like a feather. We feel perfect with all of our imperfection. Let it go. Just let it go. 

... and it is gone.

Mosaique

Mosaique is a kind of puzzle which gives you by the end a whole, complete picture.

Have you ever felt your heart and soul is just in pieces? Millions of pieces? Yes, we all did feel that. We feel all the doors have been closed, we just stuck somewhere, cannot move ever at all, people disappear from our side, you feel disappointed, feel emptiness. We were all there.

A door always closes when something better waits for you. Do not think this is the of the world, and you can start to save for your funeral. No, it is not even close to the end. Life always throws an opportunity to you which you cannot let go. This happens when you are existing, but the only thing what keeps your millions of pieces in one is your body, nothing more. If you get the chance for something more and better, grab it. It is very difficult to get out your comfort zone, but why not. You will never feel alive if you don't try it at all. You do not need to erase people and memories from your life. They are not memories, they have a piece of your heart. At the same time, you need to realize what is important: live the life what you always wanted, or just be a vegetable. No, it is not compulsory at all. Not the first one, not the second one.

When you are going through some tough sh**, it can happen more are on the way. Oh well, it happens all the time. It will turn out how much you can handle and who is really beside you and honest about feelings. Always your family and someone who truly loves you. Many people can admit and say the word love you, but not everyone really means it. Family (no matter how far they are) is always there, you can go back anytime, they will always take you back. The person who truly loves you will forget many times and the only what you need look in: the eyes. Nothing more. If something does not serve you anymore, close the door by yourself. It takes some time to face this.
One day, when you get a chance to move forward, move. Never look back, or the only moment when you should turn back the time is to see who you should be or who you have been before your pieces.

There is not a single superglue which can put together these pieces inside you. The only exceptions are: your heart and mind. When you get to this point, see your brightness and who you have been before you broke and what you wanted. It is not easy, even painful but suffering always worth, although never forget who were next to you or who wanted to be. All the "catastrophic" things taught you and helps you to grow as a better person. You only need to keep alive your hope and faith in yourself. I know, it is difficult. Don't let yourself to drag down, always see the good even on worse days. When this new life comes, you will find the first piece of the puzzle, and if you are lucky enough, someone will also help to put everything back together. Your mosaique will be completed. :)

Fall in love with,who

Fall in love with, who can see your wrinkles because of laughing. Fall in love with, who can see the happiness and sadness in your eyes. Fall in love with, who knows when you are sad or happy. Fall in love with, who doesn't need to ask because understands your whole world. Fall in love with, who loves your smile. Fall in love with, who loves you when you are a "home dragon". Fall in love with, who inspires you. Fall in love with, who sees your best but helps you to improve. Fall in love with, who respects you. Fall in love with, who loves you when ypu are dressed up for a date. Fall in love with, who loves your Garfield T-shirt at home. Fall in love with who doesn't care what you wear. Fall in love with, who has eyes like mirror where yiu can see yourself. Fall in love with, who cares about you. Fall in love with, who youbcan rely on in good and in bad. Fall in love with, who is partner in crime. Fall in love with, who can make you laugh. Fall in love with, who wipes your tears. Fall in love with, who has tears with you. Fall in love with, who knows what you like. Fall in love with who wants to be with you.  Fall in love with, who doesn't leave. Fall in love with, who is not scared of anything. Fall jn love with, who is scared to lose you. Fall in love with who is brave enough to be with you. Fall in love with, who wants to break your walls around your heart. Fall in love with, who wants to see your soul. Fall in love with who never gives up on you. Fall in love with, who sees you 2 can move mountains together. Fall in love with, who doesn't care about social status. Fall in love with, who loves you. Fall in love with who lives life. Fall in love with, who loves smiling. Fall in love with, who is humble. Fall in love with, who is there. Fall in love with, who understands you went through hell and still there. Fall in love with who is patient. Fall in love with, who you can trust. Fall in love with, who tells all the secrets. Fall in love with, who is thesunshine on your rainy days.

Fall in love with, who REALLY sees you...

Extreme

Five years ago exactly I decided I will run in the following summer my first official marathon in the city where I grew up. I already knew I will move to England, but I didn't leave this idea behind. I had many half marathons, longer distances, and just distances. Running heals me no matter what happens, it still does. So the only chance was to choose the Extrememan, it is a long distance triathlon race, so I got the running part which I needed: almost 43 kms

I moved in October, and then I started my training with my coach online, I could have never done this without him. :) 

I was working all the time, mentally I was not very well during the training or not always. The weather was also challanging for me: in UK the weather is much more different than at home.  More like running friendly.

I clearly remember the day when I went to sign in: my dad came with me, I got my registration bag, I was so proud to be part of this which I had been dreamig about since I was a kiddo. I always loved triathlon, so I guess that's why. 

I remember I could sleep well, packed my bag and went to the swimming part to another city, came back, cycling started soon. It took a couple of hours when our cyclist gave me the chip. Then my time came. I never forget the swapping. My adrenalin level was so high, got my bib, chip and lets go. The chip was on my ankle. Then I left the depot, and I started to see my ex classmates from primary school, other people who I knew since my childhood. The first part was quite "easy" . It was 35 degrees but I got really lucky: the sun was hidden a bit so it made a bit better for me. The half marathon was very quick for me, so I think I had the best time ever.

My sister showed up, brought for me everything what I asked to bring me. It was very hot. Altogether 8 circles, after a while felt like forever. Then I reached the point when it really started to hurt. Like really... It was around 35 kms. I felt I need salt tablets and water. I couldnt eat more. I just asked my sister for these. I got better. :) She really supported me a lot, talked to me as much as she could. Then the last half circle just came. I never forget my coach and my sister were next to each other by accident and they cheered me at the same time. They didnt know each other, after I got the question from both. :) Then I reached the finish line. I heard my name, I heard the last chipping. 

The feeling is unbelievable when you hear your name, no matter what place you get. The only person who I was always racing with it was myself. From that marathon, I got one thing: I can do whatever and whenever I want to if I want to. I needed to be very strong mentally, it was hot, it was painful, the chip cut my ankle. I was very proud and happy what I have done  well, and I will always remember for everyone who was there from my childhood and cheered me. Sport is the best thing where people hold each others' hands and happy for each other. The biggest thank you is for my sister and for my coach of course.  :) so no matter what you are going through, you can always step up and not leave to drag down yourself. The only question is: you want it? Do you wanna "hear" your name? It does not need to be paralleled with sport, it can be anything. Just need to go for it and break out. 

Where life ends

Today I had the chance to visit one of the most famous historical place in the world: Auschwitz. I won't write about the historical background what happened, because we all know that. Everyone needs to visit this place once in a life to realize what life means.

When I entered, the atmosphere has a radiation already: sadness. Pure sadness. All the barracks were designed with the world famous German precision (in and out). Same sizes, same measurements. The whole area is surrounded by electrical chain - link fence. I was just walking and walking among the barracks, studying all the museum information what I got there. I kept constantly thought about those people who were walking towards the unknown and I am walking on the same way where they HAD TO.
The most emotional building was the crematorium for me. The door is a simple wooden door. Behind this simple door there were millions of lives taken. Walking through the actual gas chamber brought all of my emotions to the surface. I cannot even imagine what and how they felt. Closed with many other hundreds of people and wait for the "shower" what they have been told. Carry on with the steps, I reached the crematorium where the bodies were burnt. I seriously have never seen anything like this in my whole life before, or maybe my subconscious did a really good job in my brain. Only two rooms in a building, but if those walls can tell the stories, I might would cry my eyes off. The soot is still on the walls, the whole place just made me think.
Of course I had a visit in barrack 18. This is the building where the story is about the Hungarian Holocaust. There is a corner where millions of glass tiles are on the floor representing the broken house windows, shop windows, and in the middle there was a wreath with the Hungarian colored flag. I literally had to turn away from all the other people not to see my face and (I think) my tears. All the millions of glasses on the floor look like diamonds. All of those diamonds are human lives which were taken. All of those diamonds were unique because there are no two things that are the same.
I was very young when I started to read about Auschwitz. I watched movies, asked a lot about this my dad. This is a must place, I am 100% sure for everybody. I just got to the consequence: nobody asked these people what they want - obviously. There was just a "mind blowing idea" about this, how awesomely we can change the world. Well, it was very profitable for medical science. If I actually think about the morality, let's see. So people's life were sealed from one day to the other one. In this case, I never know what tomorrow brings. Lives were cruelly taken, personal possessions were stolen which were earned by hard work, families were torn. This place just proved me how much love, faith and loyalty mean, and they walk hand in hand. I can talk about siblings, parents, grandparents, whoever. If one died, the other did not want to live anymore - went into the chamber for example. Families or even a completely unknown were supported by each other. I also had a period in my life when "I did not have time" for my family. It changed since a while (I am getting older I guess :D), and this place really opened my eyes: you never know what happens tomorrow. My consequence is this one: no matter what happened, things always can be fixed. There is only one idea or bad influence is enough if we leave ourselves to drag down. No, never. The most important people are always those who wants to give you the most on a positive way and never leave you for a minute even if you go wrong. People, who have real love and honest feelings for you. Never wait to express and realize these things, and tell everything till it's not too late.
Another bucket list place is ticked.... with loads of emotions and thoughts. This was my point of view regarding this, find yours.